Goodbyes Are Never Easy

“Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.”  Exodus 20:12 (NIV)

So, it had been a year since I visited my family, and I longed to once again be amidst those who know me as intimately as possible without disliking me entirely!  And so, thanks to travelling with the ESO a few weeks ago, I was able to take advantage of the tremendously lower airfare from New York and visit my family in Michigan.  It was important to do this as Dad has not been doing very well, had just been in the hospital for a few days, and was now in a rehabilitation facility in Lansing, Michigan.  I know very well how circumstances can change on a dime, and I wanted to make sure I got in as good a visit as possible. 

I arrived in Detroit on May 13, the day after Dad’s 81^st birthday.  On landing at Detroit Metro Airport, I picked up the car my sister had arranged for me to drive – the Nissan Altima.  What a beautiful car.  I had forgotten what it was like to drive a 6-cylinder vehicle, and this particular car had the quickest pickup I have ever experienced.  For once, I didn’t care who was beside me as I would enter onto the freeway – I just tapped the pedal and I was far beyond them in a flash! 

I drove the hour and half to Lansing on familiar highways and marveled at the feeling of freedom and power I was experiencing.  Arriving at my sister Judy’s house late in the evening, it was great to have dinner with family.  Judy’s husband Scott was cooking up some yummy American style hamburgers – it had been too long since having one of those!  There was also corn and a side rice dish.  All delicious to me after a long day of travel.  I met a new great-nephew, Emmett, the product of my niece Stephanie and her husband Ryan.  My niece Anna was there, too, a soon to be high school graduate.  Scott’s mother Paula, who lives in mother-in-law quarters there was also in attendance.  It was good to catch up.  But the following day, I would go see my father.

I slept in on Monday and it felt good to do so.  The house was wonderfully quiet as everyone was at work or at school going about their daily routines.  As I drank my coffee and caught up on e-mails and facebook, I worried a little bit about what condition Dad would be in.  He has had a rough couple of years, and I heard he was not too mobile.  Lately, he had stopped answering his phone.  Would he be lucid?  Or had dementia taken over?  Though I hate to admit it, there was a part of me that just did not want to go – a part that just wanted to remember things as they were before – a seemingly long time ago, when Mom was still alive and everything was good. 

But as the saying goes, I put on my big girl panties and headed over to the rehabilitation centre.  It was a beautiful place actually.   I found out the wing Dad was on, and headed there to see what was up.  As I walked the halls, I couldn’t help but wonder where I would be in 31 years.  Would I even be alive?  If so, what state would I be in and where would I be?  Caring for aging parents brings these questions and issues to the forefront….probably for the best! 

I got to his room – #236.  And there he was.  Sitting in his wheelchair, watching television.  Baseball.  I went in, kissed him and said “Hello, Dad.”  He looked up at me and said “Hello….”  I could tell he wasn’t sure if I was who he thought I was.  I knew that might happen because the previous day, I had heard he mistook my sister Jackie for me (highly complimentary to me, let me assure you). 

“It’s me, Kathy.”  And sure enough, he replied, “Oh hi, Kath.  Yesterday, I thought Jackie was you.” 

I had brought him a New York Times – he loves reading newspapers, as do I.  He said,  “Oh good, I haven’t read a New York Times for years.”  We began to catch up and read the paper at the same time.  Normal for us.  Soon it was lunchtime, and I wheeled him down to the dining room.  I always love sitting in the dining room with the old folks.  Ever since high school days when I worked in the kitchen of a very nice old folks home in McLean, Virginia,….but that is another story for another time.  Anyway, it was fun to meet his dining companions – Stella comes right to mind – a very spry 80+ year old, with a quick wit and all of her faculties about her.  There was another very nice lady and another gentleman as well.  It was a fun time of getting to know one another and fun conversation. 

This is Dad’s basic routine throughout the week.  Rise and shine, some physical therapy, lunch, some more physical therapy, some dinner, and down for the night.  But I was there to try and help out a little with appointments, so on Thursday and Friday, I took him to doctor’s appointments.  Getting ready for those, I could tell how excited he was to just be getting out and about.  I had to practice getting Dad in and out of the car with the physical therapist.  He has to go from a wheelchair to a walker to the car and it is a little tricky!  But we managed it.

“We’re gonna blow this popstand, Dad!”  And we proceeded to his appointment with his primary care physician, the one who was to be the know-all coordinator of Dad’s care.  Except that the practice she was in was restructuring and she was to be full time at the hospital.  So, she was turning him over to another doctor.  Honestly, health care everywhere is in such a state right now.   Our love of self and love of change have put us in a spot where there are few doctors seem to become long-term residents in any one practice or hospital.  Fragmented health care is rampant and costing patients their health.

Anyway, after a thoroughly unproductive doctor visit, I decided to pick up soft ice cream cones for the ride home.  It was hard, but somehow satisfying, to see Dad struggling with his ice cream cone.  I decided it just didn’t matter if he dribbled it all over – it was very warm outside.  I thought if nothing else, we had a good drive.

The next day was more of the same, though much more of a productive visit to the urologist.  Dad needs to have his enlarged prostate and a bladder stone removed on June 4.  These things are causing the infections that come close to killing him.  When we got back to the rehab centre, we arranged for some pool therapy and that was pretty much it for the day.

Saturday – my last day there.  It is never easy to say goodbye.  I was going to my sister Jackie’s (about an hour and a half away) for the evening and to stay for the night, as the airport is close to her house and I had an early morning flight scheduled.  Just before Dad was to go to dinner, I got ready to leave.

“I’ve got to leave now, Dad, and get down to Jackie’s.”

“Take me with you.”  My heart contracted.

“I can’t Dad.”

“Why not?”  I thought that was a pretty good question.

“Because I can’t get you back up here tonight.”

“Yes you can.  I want to go.”  I wanted to take him.  I wracked my brain for a way.

“Dad, I’m flying out early, and I can’t get you back up here tonight.”

“But I want to go!  Please!”  Oh Lord, don’t let the tears come.  Hurry up before they do.

I gave him a kiss and a hug goodbye. 

“I’m angry, Kath.”

“Don’t be angry, Dad!”

“Well, I’m not REALLY angry, but I wish you would take me with you.”

“I wish I would, too, but I’ve got to go now.  Have fun at dinner.”

“Lose weight.”

And that was that.  With tears streaming down my face (both of sadness and of laughter at his parting shot), I went to make arrangements for a haircut.  The comb-over had to go. 

It is never easy to say goodbye.  I was glad to do what little I did to get Dad out and about, doing some normal things like stopping for an ice cream cone and feeling the warm breeze waft through the car on our summer drives.  I remember the many, many times he took us kids out for ice cream and I wished I could do more.  The time was short, but I’ll treasure the memory.

Lord, I pray for my father.  That this experience in rehab strengthens him physically and increases his mobility.  And that his relationships with those that visit him and talk with him strengthen his desire to seek you out and know how you have blessed him.  

Obstacles

My second real walk of the spring of 2012 happened today.  It was so beautiful out this morning.  Much of the snow I saw yesterday was even gone and there was more sidewalk available for walking comfortably.  As I walked down Woodlands Road, into the Botanic Gardens and across the bridge to Otter Crescent, I ran into a few obstacles of snow in inconvenient places.  Several times, I had to stop and consider my options and then take the route through the snow that would cost me the least amount of risk of slipping, or least amount of risk of wet feet.  Each time, though, with careful consideration, I managed to avoid slipping and getting wet feet.  

Why can’t I remember to stop and consider all the options in my daily life the same way I navigate through lingering snow on an early spring walk?

Musical Moments

These last couple of months at the symphony, getting to know some more people, getting the sense of being a part of a dynamic organization, and getting to experience new musical moments, has been almost surreal.  There are times when I think to myself “Wow – I can’t believe I am here doing this.”

This week’s musical moment came on Wednesday afternoon when I helped out at one of the ESO’s Educational Concerts.   I wondered what the organization of this type of event entailed given that there were over one thousand 4^th, 5^th and 6^th graders scheduled to attend the morning and afternoon sessions.  Well, the Winspear has an amazing staff that organizes these events.  As the school buses started rolling in, my job was to take a school to the correct usher so they could get seated efficiently.  I was given a map of the Hall with coding to let us know where to take each of the schools coming in.

One musical moment came when one of the largest groups arrived and were lead to their section.  One of the teachers stayed behind for a few moments and told me how for many of the students, this would be their first ever concert.  She also mentioned how many of them would not even be able to afford to attend a concert normally and so were very excited to be able to come to this educational concert.  Her eyes beaming, she explained how many of them spent some time even planning what to dress up in for coming to the Winspear Centre.  It was very touching to know that the ESO and Winspear are touching young lives in this way and very moving to be a part of it – even in a small way.

Once the students were seated, I sat myself in the Upper Circle to take in the concert.  I couldn’t imagine how over 1,000 young students would be able to sit still long enough to experience this concert, but I was eager to see how it would all work!

It was delightful to observe the students and their lively chatter and communication as the orchestra warmed up.  As the lights dimmed, the chatter lowered a bit, but when our Resident Conductor Lucas Waldin entered the scene, he took control of the hall in a very effective way.  He performed some introductions and thanked our sponsors and asked for applause.  He then asked for even bigger applause for the orchestra.  And then, he asked the students for an “enormous silence” and he got it!  I’ve never seen so many young students be absolutely silent together.  This was another musical moment as the orchestra prepared to begin.

The concert was designed around music from or inspired by the land and traditions of Alberta and began with a beautiful piece composed by Aaron Copeland – Rodeo.  It was a fun, lively piece and led into a stunning program of Albertan composed music, aboriginal music and guest artists, and audience participation pieces as well.  I personally conducted a piece, along with many others in the audience, as some played the recorder!  A poem written by one of the students was also read by our Resident Composer Robert Rival during the performance of a piece of music he composed.

Throughout the performance, I marveled at the interaction between the performers and the audience and the level of engagement with the young audience that was achieved.  Thank you ESO and Lucas Waldin for a great time of childlike enjoyment and a tremendous learning experience as well!

To learn more about the ESO’s educational programs, click on the following link:  Education at the ESO

“Be The People” – by Carol M. Swain, Ph.D.

“Be The People – A Call to Reclaim America’s Faith & Promise” – by Carol M. Swain, Ph.D.

I figured it was a risk choosing this book to review – and I was right.  After reading the book, I longed for a feel-good story to pick me up.  There is not much of a feel-good experience reading Carol Swain’s latest book.  Read it anyway.

Her premise for the book is stated early on; that “…this book sounds a rallying cry for my fellow Americans to stand up and reclaim the promises of life liberty, and justice envisioned by our forefathers.”  Carol Swain provides expert, call-it-like-it-is analysis of how America has strayed from its Judeo-Christian roots and from its original purpose as outlined in the Declaration of Independence and the U.S. Constitution.  To aid the reader, the author has included these documents in the appendix to the book.

Dr. Swain compellingly addresses, from a biblical worldview, the issues at the forefront of the nation’s focus including abortion, family matters, immigration and racism.  She is obviously well-studied in the various individuals and organizations that influence policy-makers in America, and she shares with the reader exactly how they have done so.

As I read the book, some ideas I had stubbornly adhered to began to loosen, and I was forced to rethink my position on some issues.  Though the transitions from subject to subject were not always smooth, the meaning and purpose of this book was clear.

This is a must-read book for American Christians – especially for those wanting to understand the roots and foundation of America and our current state in comparison, and those who are willing to step up to the plate and pray for America.

BookSneeze® has provided me with a complimentary copy of this book.

Dragonflies and Rainbows

Return to your rest, my soul,
for the LORD has been good to you. (Psalm 116:7)

Dragonflies and Rainbows

Contentment.  This is my biggest challenge.  For some reason, I find it very hard to be content. In my head, I know that I should be.  But my heart does not follow suit.  It is not exactly restlessness, but more a continual striving.  In some ways this manifests itself in a good way.  I am always learning and want to continue to do so, for instance.  But in many ways, this lack of contentment manifests itself in not so good ways.  In this next week, for instance, I will be driven to want to exceed anything I did last week.  Anything.  Exercise (go longer, further, faster), diet (eat less, eat healthier, etc.), traits (be kinder, gentler, more generous), spiritual growth (pray more, pray harder, fast more, journal more, read more, write more, etc).  It really is like I am on some sort of treadmill that hasn’t been turned off in a very long time!

Many of the things that are associated with my lack of contentment seem to be “big picture” things in my life….there are no short-term solutions.  But the lack of contentment takes a toll in my every day life.  So, today I would just like to have my soul return to rest and perhaps this can be done by thanking God for how good He has been to me, even just today.

I was concerned today because it was damp and cloudy all morning before the walk I scheduled with my friend Connie. And the air was dense with mosquitoes even when I opened the door to go out.  There were three of them there parked on the screen!  So, I drove off to the drug store to get some bug spray – thank you, Lord, for the funds to purchase the very expensive bug repellent.

I got home late from the drugstore and thought it was likely that Connie had already been and left, but I had a message on my phone that she had run late as well – thank you, Lord, for working it out so Connie and I could walk today.

We did not see any mosquitoes as we began our walk, and in fact, hardly any at all for the entire 10 km.  I mentioned to Connie that the day before there were no mosquitoes either, and there always seemed to be a dragonfly in front of me! And in fact, halfway through our walk, in a particularly damp portion of the path, we walked through a whole gathering of dragonflies – it was a magical moment. Thank you, Lord, for the dragonflies that eat the mosquitoes and for the magical moment of being surrounded by dragonflies as if we were surrounded by your protection from harm!

We met many interesting dogs on our trek – two are quite memorable:  Bella – a little maltese mix – beautiful, soft and loving!  The other was Lucy – a miniature poodle.  She was a little skittish, but adorable.  Thank you, Lord, for the enjoyment of meeting people and their pets on our walks – somehow, we feel such a part of the community as we relate to others as we walk.  Paths cross, words are said, stories exchanged and connections are made.

Thank you, Lord, for the strength to walk 10 km two days in a row.  And for inspiring Connie to walk with me and help keep me determined to continue doing so!

Also, this evening ended up redeeming a very bad evening yesterday!  Lord, I thank you for your reassurance and provision.  And as I walked downtown this evening, I saw the most magnificent full rainbow I have ever seen.  Lord, thank you for the reminder that you fix wrongs, redeem the seemingly unreedemable, and fulfill your promises.

I thank you, Lord, for dragonflies and rainbows today!

 

 

Wisdom

Teach us to number our days, 
 that we may gain a heart of wisdom. Psalm 90:12

Wisdom

I was walking with a friend early this summer and she said to me, “I don’t know about you, but I want to make sure I appreciate every day of this short Edmonton summer!”  Having determined that I would get out and walk while re-experiencing nature this summer, I agreed wholeheartedly.  In that way, I’ve numbered the days. There are only a certain number of days in the summer and it is about half over now.

What about the rest of the year?  Sometimes I think that I have a tendency to just drift through or tolerate the rest of the year to get to summer or vacation or any other good time I have planned.  This little bit of scripture really challenges me to reconsider this approach.

Psalm 90 is a prayer of Moses.  In asking God to teach us to number our days, it seems to me there is a component there of us learning to value the time we have here.  How we spend our time indicates the value we attach to time.  Numbering our days, counting our time, valuing every moment here, etc., speaks to intentionality of living.  But I know in my own life, there have been periods of time where I have just drifted.  Choices arose, but I would not act one way or the other – just let opportunities pass.  As if my days were limitless and these opportunities would arise again.  It sounds so trite, but the reality really is that each day here is a gift of time and I make a choice how to spend it.  Every day counts.

This scripture also intrigues me today because, like the scriptures from yesterday and the day before, the mind and heart are featured.  I’ve read somewhere that the mind is simply the tool that gets information to the heart. I enjoy this excerpt from Psalm 90 that reminds us that wisdom resides in the heart.  So many times, wisdom is portrayed as a “mind” or “brain” thing.  We attribute so much to the brain, and often think of the heart as a mere mechanical device that keeps the body alive.  But I’ve started thinking that perhaps the brain is the more mechanical device and the heart actually seems to interpret information.

It seems to me that our minds may number the days and, in so doing, the value and meaning of our time here is laid upon our hearts.  This is how we can gain a heart of wisdom.

Undivided Heart

Teach me your way, LORD,
that I may rely on your faithfulness;
give me an undivided heart,
that I may fear your name.  (Psalm 86:11)

Undivided Heart

As I read the Bible each year, I pray that each day, there is something that strikes me, resonates with me, causes me to reflect, or guides me through my daily life.  I end up with something to ponder and/or respond to on most days.

Yesterday, I thought about what it means to set one’s mind on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem.  Setting one’s mind on something is an intentional act.  I do not believe you can go on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem by mistake, or inadvertently. The road is not always an easy road and our natural inclination is to go in the other direction.  Setting the mind on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem seems to me to have an element of commitment to make Godly choices whenever we are presented options (which is many times per day).  In other words, when we are presented with relational choices, financial choices, major decisions, minor decisions, etc., we seek to make the right choice – that is, the choice that God would have us make.  How we respond to choices is often an indication of how we have grown spiritually.

So, I have this idea that having my mind set on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem would require an almost drivenness and dogged determination; a complete focus on the end goal.  I know that the climb is rarely if ever completed in a straight line. For me, it is almost like a pinball machine…..the ball goes up, then comes down, goes up a little further, then comes down again – until it either goes in a “winning” spot, or comes down and slips through the cracks.  I have setbacks.

Today’s excerpt from Psalm 86 is intriguing to me in particular for the psalmist’s request for an undivided heart – this concept is similar in my view, or related at least, to having a mind set on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem.  But something that is interesting is that according to these readings anyways, WE set the mind, but GOD deals with the heart.  We can determine to do something, but our hearts seem to be a bit wayward at times.  Anyone ever fail a diet?  Or fail to follow through on a New Year’s resolution?  Or fail to quit smoking, drinking, buying, etc.?

I think these psalmists have a point.  We can set our minds, but need an undivided heart to do the right things – and that comes directly from God.